Stay The Course....

April showers brings May flowers.....

 Anyone love being in your comfy gear night wear and working toward your dreams? Be it working toward your high school diploma, college degree, your own business, whatever your heart desires to improve you and your life. It's sometimes very hard and requires self discipline and a flow of positive thinking and know how to flush out the negative thinking that lurks in and out like a weaving basket.

During this journey I have to participate in the rescue of myself as I unlearn all that I have learned and I must do it no matter how I may feel about the situation, crisis, moment experiences without complaint. This isn't always easy to do and I have stumbled along the way yet I keep on working on me. I often like to call this part of my journey "Follow the Yellow Brick Road."  This phrase is the best description as I continue to discover new things about my unique being.

Some things I like and some I had and have had to change and or delete from my being. Over all I have discovered that I really love me and I love me enough to give until I have nothing to give. I have discovered that loving until there is nothing to give is not healthy nor good for my well being. So as I replenish and rejuvenate my being, I am finding that it's very uncomfortable and frustrating. I say this only for reasons of having situation and moments come up where no matter how much I had the desire to help, give, do, assist, lift, push and or pull. I was completely unable to on all levels.

I had to stop and realize that all that I have been through has build character in me and this is on a continuing basis with life experiences. And in this realization I will experience moments that I like to call the, "Leaky Face Syndrome." This is how I can best describe the moments where the water just runs. Not because I am sad, mad, angry or even feeling at all it just comes and goes as it may please. Very awkward when in a public space.

I know the water is healing and cleansing my body because once it's over I feel even better. When I look over my life and some of the things that I have made it through many days I have to just stop and say, "Thank You God", reason being he is the only way that I made it. I can tell my experience and when I do I can tell you what I was experiencing at the time. I know I took steps and did the work to get me through and many times it was as if I was on auto pilot. No matter what the situation I knew I only had fifteen minutes to cry, scream, fuss, cuss or whatever I thought of doing at the moment to release the pressure valve and get to work on finding a solution to the problems.

I had to release blame, guilt, fear and doubt because there was no room for any of it although it would creep in and out. No matter what I would have to continue as I can't stand in stagnant to long before feeling like I am going crazy. {Laughing}  Although, I  am sure my children would probably say that I was crazy at times. Poor babies, reared by a baby herself but gave all that I had to ensure that they could have the best life that I could provide and now looking back. Yeah, I may have not did  every thing right or as other's expected me too but overall I  say I didn't do to bad of a job.

I had to make life changing decisions at any given time as they applied to me getting to where I needed to be and or the matter of facing poverty or just living poor. I created living poor for 200. But it's was okay because I not only learned somethings about living this life and I am sure my children learned what type of life they didn't want to live as they were growing {Laughing}. I don't mean this in the negative sense but as they watched me provide for us they learned the importance of a well balanced meal, education and creating and building for their future. Needs over wants and how to be more frugal with their money. Which still surprises me to this day only because I may not have had much but I could not save a penny to save my life. Saving became a part of my life later in their child rearing years and boy did it feel good to get to that level.

Now, the interesting thing about moving to the next level is that things that you may need to get there along the way can sometimes work for you and or against you depending how you plan. I had gotten the education but it came with student loan and credit debt. I was smart enough to invest in some CD {Certificates of Deposits} for about 3 years investing part of my income taxes for five year terms. I also invested in my retirement at every job I worked that offered the option. I worked went to school and lived life the best life that I could provide at the time. It wasn't always easy nor fun but I did it.

Upon graduating from college my life became even more interesting as my  parents that I though would never grow old began to grow old right before my eyes. As I was beginning to create and start living my best life or at least I thought. God is funny like that, just when I thought the party was about to begin it was soon over as I began the responsibilities of caring for my parents both of whom where very private and independent. this road had good and bad times but it was filled with wonderful moments of laughter. This part of the journey wasn't easy either but some how God got me through. In the moments that I wanted to through my hands up and just give in and quite. God would give me another reason to keep going and the biggest gift he gave me was one I planned without even knowing the reason and or purpose. I was able to purchase my home from my CD's and retirement savings I had acquired at during that period of my life and it was with that I was able to purchase my home. Little did I know that I would be moving my parents in a few years of being in the home.

I believe I had mentioned in one of my blogs that God gave me everything I had asked for, well, this was another gift from God as I asked as a child to be able to take care of my parents so they wouldn't have to work. Okay, so I was able to take care of my parents one had retired early and the other was still doing his best to make it back to work as he was also working on plans for his next business adventure of which he shared with my son who became my parents right hand man. My daughter and other family members help as they could but mostly it was me and my son given that he was the last one still home. Again God working.

I would find myself so busy most days that I didn't know if I was coming or going but I was able to keep up with every task that was before me with the help of others at times. To add fuel to my already burning fire I was able at the time to take on another job it only lasted for maybe 6 months to a year at a time but I was doing what it do and doing my best to keep everything a float and everyone cared for as well as deal with other family crisis situations that where rising. I remember thinking there has to be a better way for me to do this without killing myself. It was around that time that I began to research on working from home and earnings. Yeah, I got all the negative feedback from all those that were around me at the time. I guess they thought I was going crazy with all the other things I had going on but I keep researching.

It wasn't until after both my parents had passed and after working two full time jobs to get back on track with everything that I was working on like reducing my debt and catching up with some bills that had gotten away in the madness that I called my life. And it wasn't until I got fired and was suspended from my jobs that the pieces started to come together from the research, purchase of a few webinars and speaking with people that where familiar with the field that it started to come together for me and it was as if the light bulb went on in my head.

I found two platforms and began the journey all while I was fighting for my jobs but I worked every night like clock work until I finished the training and starting working as a Life Guide while creating an online store. I had a long talk with God and I asked him to lead the way and guide my path and before I knew it I lost one battle and suffered the consequences of the other yet it was still a win. Still I worked every night and every other week all day and night. I have come accustomed to it that it has really become second nature as if I am not working in some form it feels very weird.

Although, I was able to accomplish a lot over time. It was in my solitude that I began to feel how can I say it, humm like I was pregnant my mind was going and still continues to go 100 miles an hour with idea's, thoughts, feelings, and moments of reflection. And as time goes on I realize that I still am the head of my  family but a lot of my responsibilities aren't there like they were. The children are grown on their own rearing their own children and creating their lives. Many would call it the "Empty Nest Syndrome." The children would do their best to help me through those ruff periods but with having employment and families and households of their own. I understood how my mother must have felt when we all left home. Interesting experiences as it forced me to really take a serious look at my life. I find it funny that I would always tell my children that I was going to be having it once they left home. And when it happen I was having it alright {Laughing} don't get me wrong it wasn't all sad moments but enough to get me to where I am now.

It's not easy to be suffering from things and still having to show up and be the happy person at work interacting with clients and then coming home to a home that echos when I have a telephone conversation because I am the only one in the house. Yeah the children do their best to come bye and sit a spell and those times are so amazing as my home begins to fill up and not one echo {laughing}. It's when they all leave that I began to appreciate the gift of silence that God has given me. {Laughing} It's in these moments that I truly can appreciate life and can see the fruits of my life long labor of dedicating myself to my children early on in their lives.

As time went on I was offered an opportunity that I prayed about prior to joining and that was being sponsored by a dear coworker that had retired and wanted to share her business with me. After thinking it over I signed up and said why not. I am still working every evening training, working, making list of things to do, working on things and coming up with absolutely nothing some times and other times it feels like a breeze on a nice summer day. Go figure, sometimes I am with it and other times I can not focus to save my life. I realized that I need a mentor that could help me in my business as guide me along the way so then I joined " Black Women CEO" very good mentor ship/coaching. I was feeling on fire and ready to go until my brain just crashed and so had my energy yet , I still keep going doing what I can when I can because at this point there is no turning back.

The one thing that I love about my new adventure is that it works at my paste and on my time and terms. Did I get glitter in my eyes? Yes, but every piece of the glitter brings it all together at some point. So I realized that  I need to make sure that I am taking care of myself more because I have taken on some more responsibilities and they all require my time and effort and energy. So far I am making several changes and as I try them out to see what works and what doesn't. I do one piece at a time. For sure it is going to take me sometime and effort on my part and that's okay along as I don't lose me in the mist of things.

So as I participate in my own rescue, I am finding peace in the fact that every sleepless night is gonna be worth it as time moves on. When I need to rest I rest because it's the only way that I will gain clarity in the directions I am asking God to guide me. I take one step at a time, one training, and or assignment at a time.until it will become second nature to me and it will just flow.

From the first day I started this adventure and even now I tell myself you got this. Your worthy of the fruits of your labor that your putting in. You will achieve the goals that you are working toward and your life will improve stitch by stitch. I have overcome some things in my life already so why would I give up now. It just doesn't make any sense. Like I said I am not complaining but when it hurts, I may possibly cry, scream, fuss, and or cuss for fifteen minutes then I will move one. I have to stay the course as I have come to far now and I see no land insight. Where I once was a castaway, I found some material of natural resources to build me a boat to get off the island. So now I build how long? As long as it may take. Never give up on you.

It's amazing the things we can do once we apply and commit ourselves to being the best that you can be at whatever level you can achieve. Just never give up or give in. As my aunt always says the blessing is in the pressing and I have been pressing for a long time and will continue as long as I am given breath in my body.

Stay the course....